Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
