Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
