My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
