i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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