I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
