The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
