just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i need an iv and a liver transplant
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize