Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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