Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
