Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
So vagazzling was a success
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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