Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
im holly from the hills drunk
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
