The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
