I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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