You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
