I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
