the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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