did you get engaged???
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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