Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
