Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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