Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
