This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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