Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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