He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
