i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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