how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
