My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize