if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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