my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
