I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
