I feel great
I just peed on a car
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
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