do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize