You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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