Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
