hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
