you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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