so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I need a beard to bite.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
