Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
