I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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