Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
