forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
