i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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