I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
