Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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