I am in a vortex of obligation.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
