Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize