I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
