if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
