the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i think i have two assholes
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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