I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
