Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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