it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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