I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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