I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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