dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
