There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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