the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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