My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
The Olympian is in my bed
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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